Real Canadians Have Curves
by suspect tomatoes
Summary: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? Edge, Christian, Jericho and Randy. One-shot.


**A/N: Like all other stories, this one was produced because of a Twitter conversation. Becky, the only reason you're not in this is because you're lucky enough to have a man that still has hip dents. :-)**

"You're getting fat."

Adam looked over at Mack, frowning slightly. "What?"

"You're getting fat."

"What do you mean I'm getting fat? I've _been _fat."

"Yeah, but you were losing weight for a while. Now you're fat again."

"Stop getting me high, I won't get the munchies and I won't eat as much."

"But that would inconvenience me."

"Then don't complain."

Mack pushed his shoulder. "Can't you just work out more?"

"I tore my achilles tendon."

"You can walk now."

"I can't work out. It hurts too much."

"Pain is beauty, my friend."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Can't you just love me for who I am?"

"I do. But you as a person is not fat."

"I'm never gonna please you, am I?"

"Lose some weight and we'll talk."

* * *

"You're getting fat."

Jay looked up from his pancakes and omelette and stared at Kaitlyn. "I'm getting a cat?"

"I said you were getting _fat_."

"Oh." He shoveled some egg into his mouth. "I didn't notice."

"Well, you are. Remember how skinny you used to be?"

Jay glanced down at his torso, pressing his loose shirt against it. "I think I still am."

"You haven't looked in a mirror since 2007 then."

Jay got up from the table and went into the bedroom, twirling in the mirror on the closet door. "My ass is a little big, but I don't see anything else wrong!"

Kaitlyn followed him in. "You have love handles."

"Where?"

"Where love handles are generally located."

Jay lifted his shirt, running his fingers over his hairy sides. He glanced over at Kait. "Well, if I have love handles, then love me!"

"Not until you lose some weight."

"I really don't see the need. I have a booty, yeah, but─"

Kaitlyn grabbed his hand and dragged him into the bathroom. "How much did you weigh the last time you checked?"

Jay tapped his chin. "Two-twenty-five."

She pulled the scale out. "Step up, kid."

Jay frowned but did it anyway, watching the needle swing back and forth.

"AHA!" Kait clapped her hand against Jay's chest. "Two-twenty-seven. You gained two pounds, _fatty_!"

Jay covered his mouth. "Oh, dear! What should I do?"

"Go for a run. Right now."

"Okay, I'm on it. FELIX! COME HERE!"

"The cat won't run with you."

"And why not?"

"Cuz it's not a dog."

"SHHH!" Jay looked at her sternly. "Don't you ever say that word in this house, Kaitlyn."

"Then lose some weight, or else, I'm buying one."

Jay was already out the door.

* * *

"You're getting fat."

"You're getting stupid." Jericho looked at Randy's reflection in the mirror. "And who are you to talk?"

Randy smirked. "I'd lift my shirt up and show you my stomach, but I'm pretty sure you're playing for the visiting team, so─"

"No, no, you can do that." Jericho blinked. "I'm... straight."

Randy snorted. "Right. Where's your stash?"

"Taped underneath the coffee table."

Randy looked up at him. "Why?"

"So when guests come over they won't be disgusted with my secret life."

Randy unrolled the baggie, then stopped. "You have a full length vanity mirror in your basement."

Jericho turned around and examined himself in it. "So?"

"You're worried that people will find out you're a _stoner_?"

"What's wrong with a man enjoying his beauty?"

Randy continued packing before he sat back and struck his lighter. "I get my nails buffed."

"See? What's wrong with this?"

Randy waved his hand, trying to hold in his hit as long as he could.

But the basement door swung open, pouring sudden light into the room. Jay and Adam clomped down the stairs and skidded to a stop in front of Jericho.

"We need your help," Adam said breathlessly.

Randy coughed, smoke coming from his nose.

Jericho sneered at him. "Amateur."

Jay looked over. "WEED!"

"NO!" Adam grabbed his shoulders. "If we get high, we'll get the munchies."

Jay blinked. "So?"

"If we get the munchies, we'll eat."

Blank stare.

"If we eat, we'll get fat."

Jay nodded. "Uh huh."

"AND KAIT AND MACK WON'T LOVE US ANYMORE!"

"Ohhhhh." But something snapped in Jay's eyes. "OH! That's not good!"

"No, it's not!"

Jericho clucked his tongues. "Gentlemen, gentlemen. Now what is wrong with having a little meat on our bones? We're human beings, we're not skeletons. Ladies should love that we have something to offer them besides ripe muscles. If Kaitlyn and Mack don't accept your natural tendency to fatten yourself up for your own survival, then they are not worth it in the first place."

It was silent for a moment.

Then Randy started clapping. "Bravo, fatass."

Adam looked at Jay. "You know, Chris is right."

"He is?"

"Yeah. They've been with us this long, there's no way they're gonna leave us cuz we gained a couple of pounds."

"Yeah." Jay waited a beat. "So what's a few more?"

"I'll order the Chinese food," Adam agreed.

"And I'll start rolling."

"That's my boys!" Jericho sighed happily, crossing his arms. "And don't worry, if Kait and Mack say anything, just tell them the God's honest truth."

"What's that?"

"Real Canadians have curves."

Randy laughed. "I guess Kait and Mack are grateful I'm not Canadian, then."

**A/N: The whole world is grateful Randy isn't Canadian. Review.**


End file.
